Firsts and Lasts

I've been thinking a lot lately of firsts and lasts. It's amazing how woven together these two things are, even though they are seemingly complete opposites. For example, this week I took Tess to kindergarten. A first. The kind of first that brings some 5-year old anxiety, a few tears from Mama, and an underlying sense of excitement and beginning. Or is it a last? The last time I'll have her here all day, upstairs humming Disney princess tunes while she colors for hours. The last time I'll have more children at home than I'll have at school. The last time her baby sister will spend each day with her, having someone to play with, look up to, and occasionally steal lip gloss from.

This same week, my mother retired from work. That's a last, right? The last time she has to report to work, the last time she has to calculate hours, request vacation leave and set an alarm. Or is it a first? The first time she can enjoy children and grandchildren with no work schedule to limit time? Is it a beginning or an end? As mothers, are these milestones beginnings or endings?

I can get rather weepy at thinking of the lasts...the last night in the hospital before we take them home...the last night they will sleep in the crib before graduating to a "big girl" bed...the last time they sooth themselves with a paci...the last time they call their big sister "Mymy" because they can't correctly pronounce "Maya." The way I see it, I have a heart-wrenching lifetime of lasts ahead of me as a mom. I can cry (which I have, and do, quite regularly) or I can try to savor what I have and plunge ahead with what is to come. So I'm going to view them as firsts.

This is the first time that Tess is going off to a full day of school, and what a wonderful opportunity, in a fabulous school, with a terrific teacher, it is. This year may be chocked full of firsts--Will she lose her first tooth? Will star in her first play? Will she play a new sport? Make a new friend? Become closer to God? Find a new hobby? Learn how to read? I hope so, and only by trusting in God and eagerly greeting each day will I find out.

Having said that, I'm not quite emotionally stable enough to have our bedtime reading include any of the following literature that adorns our bookshelves: Let Me Hold You Longer, The Night Before Kindergarten, or The Giving Tree and would be happy to loan them out to any Mama that is made of tougher reserves than I at this point.